


A Heavy Heart To Carry

by afterallthistennant



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Otaburi, not toooo angsty, otayuri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:54:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterallthistennant/pseuds/afterallthistennant
Summary: Angst and fluff.Inspired by "Heavy In Your Arms" by Florence + The Machine





	A Heavy Heart To Carry

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this weeks ago and it's been sitting on my computer for a while. Finally posted it. I've been writing a lot more Beka since then so I might re-write this one day. Who knows.

Otabek ducked as a small plush cat came flying at his face. He laughed as it fell to the floor rather unceremoniously. Yuri launched himself across the room to grab the plush back and re-strategize his attack. With Yuri momentarily distracted Otabek took his opportunity to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s slender waist. He pulled Yuri towards him and pressed his lips against the soft skin of yuri’s throat. Yuri leaned into his touch and let out a small sigh. Otabek chuckled, the sound rumbling against the blond’s exposed neck. “I can’t even be mad that I missed my target when you get back at me like this”, Yuri resigned with a small smile. He leaned into Otabek’s touch and it only made Otabek grasp him tighter. Otabek’s hands strayed around Yuri’s waist, slowly coming to a rest in the sensitive spot near the Russian’s hips. Otabek felt Yuri’s hands begin to wander from around his shoulders until they were grasping at his shirt, fingers splayed lightly across the older skater’s chest. Otabek placed soft, gentle kisses against Yuri’s smooth skin, working his way up Yuri’s neck and past his jaw, taking a detour around his slightly flushed cheek until he reached his destination. As he brushed his lips with Yuri’s, Otabek brought one of his hands up to rest against Yuri’s cheek and swirled the tips of his fingers against the beautiful rosy color that stood out against the blond’s porcelain skin. Yuri tilted his head towards Otabek’s palm and closed his eyes against the Kazakh man’s sweet touch. Suddenly Otabek backed away from Yuri and that graceful Prima Ballerina nearly fell on his ass. Otabek chuckled as he looked at Yuri’s surprised face. He looked like a cat who was caught missing the target they had so gracefully leapt towards. Otabek knew that he would have to pay for that later as he explained his sudden disappearance from Yuri’s side, “Yura...we need to eat dinner”, he said as an apology. “I didn’t even say anything!”, Yuri said defensively before leveling his voice, “how do you know me so well Beka?”. Otabek pulled Yuri against him for a quick hug, whispering into his boyfriend’s ear, “I was made to know you Yura”. Yuri shivered pleasantly in response to Otabek’s words and he detached himself from the kazakh man and placed himself on a tall bar stool to watch Beka cook. 

…

After dinner they sat at the table with the lights turned low. Otabek was updating Yuri on his family back in Kazakhstan, whom they had skyped with on occasion. Otabek knew that Yuri mostly cared because he knew that Otabek had left everything to move to Russia and live with Yuri. Tonight there was a weirdness settling around them as Otabek talked about his family and he could only assume it was because Yuri never had really talked about his own family. The same unsettled feeling had happened once or twice before when talking about family but Otabek would never force the Russian to talk about something he wasn’t ready to share. Tonight seemed to be different though. Yuri was particularly quiet as Otabek looked at him, concern apparent in his all too telling features. One look at Otabek and Yuri was ready to spill everything. Otabek nodded because he knew the time was right for Yuri to share with him. He listened quietly, never breaking eye contact as Yuri started his story. 

The blond only hesitated for the briefest of moments… He breathed in, before starting, “I only had my mother when I was young. She didn’t even want me and she took every opportunity to tell me that. She wouldn’t even tell me who my father was. We lived in a very small apartment in Penza and we didn’t have much to our name. I was very young when we were walking past a park that had a small pond and I saw a young girl with braided hair wearing a purple dress and a leopard print coat flying across the ice”. Otabek smiled as he pictured a small Yuri, all red cheeks and fierce eyes. Yuri continued, “I stopped and pointed to the girl, grabbing at my mother’s coat to get her attention. I remember asking her how the girl was flying across the ice, because it seemed so inconceivable to me. I wanted to stop and watch the girl but she--my mother, brought me back to the harsh reality of being poor and unwanted”. Otabek’s heart ached for this small Yuri and he watched Yuri unknowingly clutch at his own arm, feeling the ghost of an unkind touch. The Russian skater looked down as he continued, “Yurochka-- I hated the nickname when it came from her lips”, he explained. “My little Yurochka, she said -- don’t be ridiculous. Ice skating is for pretty little girls with pretty parents with money in their pockets. You will never be a pretty little ice skater. All I had wanted to do was watch the skater move across the ice. It cost us nothing to stand and watch, but she wouldn’t even allow me that. She pulled me roughly past the pond and smacked the side of my head when I tried to turn back and watch the girl”.

Otabek stared back at Yuri, the sadness he felt for this young Yura, apparent on his features. He reached his hand out towards the Russian and clasped Yuri’s hand safely inside his own. Otabek hoped that Yuri understood that Otabek was trying to give him the strength he needed to continue. 

“Shortly after that day I was in our apartment while one of my mother’s friends “babysat” me while she was working. The phone rang and Anna left. I know now that the phone call was the news that my mother had overdosed trying to dope up during her break at the factory, but at the time I had no clue what was going on. I remember sitting there alone for a few hours until the police showed up and brought me to an overcrowded orphanage. I remember the director of the orphanage explaining that there was simply no room for me. It was then that I was brought to Moscow and placed in an another orphanage there”. 

He paused, momentarily looking at Otabek who squeezed his hand encouragingly. Otabek knew that every little thing he learned about Yuri would only secure their bond and make him better able to understand that beautiful Russian enigma. 

“It was a few months later that I was brought into the director’s office and there was this man sitting there that I had never seen before. The director explained that he was family, and then this older man spoke and for the first time I had hope. Hope of something better for myself. He told me his name was Nikolai and that he was my father’s father. I remember foolishly jumping up and asking him, a perfect stranger at the time, when I would get to meet my father. My hope and excitement was quickly and awkwardly snuffed out as the director and my grandfather had to explain that the father I had never even gotten to meet, had died about 7 months prior, from a fucking robbery gone bad. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong fucking time, he never even got to meet me! He had only just learned about me because of my mother’s goddamn overdose showing up in the news! He was trying to find me… I was re- I was ready to find him... WE WERE READY FOR EACH OTHER!, Yuri choked out, the sound somewhere between a yell and a sob. 

Otabek worked to keep his face calm, knowing that if he showed shock, Yuri would feel bad for letting his feelings out. Though anger and hurt ripped through Otabek like a searing hot knife, he knew he couldn’t show even the slightest flicker of the injustice he felt. He controlled his features for Yuri even though he wanted to tear apart the universe and rebuild it again if only to give Yuri a better chance. He would do this without so much as blinking, even if it meant that he never got to even meet Yuri. He imagined how things could change. He could have had a kind mom who let him watch the small skater. Yuri might have taken up skating for a few months, even a couple years, but maybe he would give it up, like children who are given what they want sometimes do. It didn’t matter, Otabek would do it in a heartbeat if he could because watching the pain that Yura still felt years later, just talking about his childhood, made the world feel cosmically… wrong. Still, the Kazakh man remained calm and attentive to what Yuri needed in that moment, which was a listener with an open mind and an open heart. He nodded slightly to Yuri in acknowledgment and encouraging him to continue as he held fast onto yuri’s hand. 

“This unknown grandfather was all I had in the world and It was rough at first because we didn’t know each other. He hadn’t even known I had existed for many years. My own father hadn’t known I existed for almost as long, because of my selfish mother. She didn’t want me, but she didn’t share me. She hadn’t even been kind enough to tell my father that she was pregnant…”. Yuri Stopped to take a breath, trying to keep his feelings at bay. 

“Still, I was luckier than most. Most Orphans stay in the system until they’re too old and then they go to work in the factories, at best. I was thankful for Nikolai. He saved me from that fate. When I had my first birthday with Nikolai he asked me what I would like. I took to the task of picking a present like it was life or death. Making lists for the next few days. When I told him I still hadn’t decided he said to me, ‘it’s simple Yurochka, what is one thing you were never allowed to have that would make you happier than you’ve ever been?’-- That was the first time I had heard ‘Yurochka’ sound like a loving name”, Of course at that request I thought back to the day at the park when I watched the flying girl and immediately I begged grandpa for a pair of skates. On the day of my birthday he brought me to a small shop that sold skates. He knew the owner and I remember them chuckling at me as I stared in awe at all the beautiful skates. As soon as the other man had fitted me for my very own pair grandpa took me to the rink nearby where he signed me up for my very first lesson…,Yuri finished quietly. Otabek was still full of obvious concern for his boyfriend. He hated the idea that anyone had ever been cruel to someone as amazing as Yuri Plisetsky. Otabek finally understood why his grandfather was his agape. He thought a silent thank you to Nikolai for saving his Yura and giving him the skates so that Otabek and Yuri would one day be able to find one another. 

Yuri stood from the table where they had been sitting and he walked over to Otabeki, still in his chair. Yuri grabbed both of Otabek’s hands and sat on his knees right on the floor in front of Beka. He rested his head on Otabek’s thigh and looked up at the dark haired man. After a few moments he finally spoke, “Thank you Beka”. Otabek responded in turn, “Thank you Yura, for trusting me enough to share this with me. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but knowing that you want to share every part of yourself, good and bad, with me makes me want to work every day to know you more and more”. He slid his hands up the Russian’s slender arms and used the leverage to pull Yuri up from the floor. When they were both standing face to face he pulled Yuri into his chest wrapped his arms around the blond’s waist. Yuri wasn’t one to cry, even in this instance, but Otabek felt his boyfriend’s breath shudder against his chest as they held each other close. No more words were necessary between them that night 

...

Otabek felt like he was being watched. He kept his breathing slow and steady and slowly opened up one eye. That one eye was greeted by two round gems staring back at him almost an inch from his own face. Yuri. Otabek instantly smiled and Yuri took this as a sign to pounce. Yuri, ever the cat, rolled onto Otabek without even breaking eye contact. His long blond tresses swung down in front of his face and Otabek inhaled the slightly floral scent of Yuri’s shampoo before caressing the strands and twirling them between his fingers. Yuri brought his face closer and placed a small peck on the tip of Otabek’s nose before he quickly pulled his head back and out of Otabek’s reach. “Good Morning Beka”, Yuri practically purred. Otabek chuckled and as Yuri leaned closer to tease his boyfriend with a small sprinkling of feather-light kisses, Otabek tucked the blond’s loose hair behind his ear and trailed his fingers behind Yuri’s ear and down his jaw before sliding his other hand up Yuri’s chest and clasping his hands behind Yuri’s neck. Otabek’s nails combed through the sensitive hair at the nape of the Russian’s neck and he brought his lips up to meet Yuri’s. His eye’s went wide when Yuri rushed to meet him and they ended up bumping their heads together. Both of them ended up side by side clutching at their sides as they giggled in the early morning light laying on their bed. 

Yuri curled up against Otabek’s side as the Kazakh man twisted and combed through the blond’s long hair. It didn’t take long before Yuri was napping peacefully against Otabek’s chest. Otabek watched Yuri sleep for a while before he too dozed off. 

The dark-haired man woke up to the deliciously bitter scent of coffee tugging at his senses. Yuri had left his side, which explained the coffee smell. He leaned back against the pillows as the breeze from the window flowed around him. He wasn’t sure how his life could be any better. But then Yuri walked in and the answer was obvious. Yuri was all he needed. Yuri carried two steaming mugs of coffee into the room as he crawled up onto their bed. He handed Otabek the coffee that was black and always made the blond’s nose crinkle up. Yuri took his own with a small bit of sugar and milk which seemed much more reasonable than Otabek’s tar-like substance. Yuri had his knees up against his chest, resting his arms on his thighs while Otabek stretched out across the bed. Otabek reached over and took Yuri’s smaller hand in his own, smiling at his boyfriend as they sipped their coffee quietly. Days like this were so beautiful and so simple. Otabek wished every day could be that simple. The two had been together for close to 2 years now. Every day was ripe with new challenges, but one thing never changed. The pressure that Yuri felt as a world class competitive skater. Of course there was pressure placed on every skater to perform, dress, skate, and act a certain way, but the pressure was different for Yuri Plisetsky. First he was the ‘Prima Ballerina’, ‘Russia’s Fairy’, then the ‘Russian Punk’. It seemed like everyone was always trying to place labels onto the Russian champion that never seemed to quite fit Yuri’s entire existence. He was more than those labels… yes he was those things… but he was so much more. 

..

Living together meant they also practiced together now. They both trained with Yakov, a feat that had seemed impossible to Otabek at first. He had been terrified of the Russian coach. That man had to be more ferocious and deal with the the attitudes of not just Yuri, but also Mila, Georgi, Viktor, and now Yuuri Katsuki. Although after Otabek’s first week training at the Russian rink, he realized that him and the Japanese Yuuri had absolutely nothing to worry about. Yuuri was pretty pliable and worked well with anyone, it was usually Viktor’s jealousy that made him go into coach mode and put all his focus on Yuuri. Otabek mostly worked with himself and just took advice from whoever happened to skate or stroll by at the time. So mostly coach Yakov kept himself busy with Yuri, Georgi, and Mila. Between the three of them they had enough drama to keep a soap opera going for decades. Sometimes it was entertaining, but sometimes Otabek wanted to grab Yuri by the arm and storm out of the rink. 

At the end of rehearsal Yuri performed his free skate, which was daring and very different from everything he had done. He had moved on from portraying the innocent love of ‘Agape’, but also from the boldness of ‘Welcome to the Madness’. Right now he was existing somewhere between the two in a mix of terrifying and beautiful that was entirely Yuri. The music was indescribable and perfectly Yuri. The melody of the music pushed and pulled more than any piece that Otabek had ever heard before. The piano was frenzied and dark with a haunting chorus of voices that threatened to swallow this listener’s soul. But there was something sweet hiding underneath the main themes that you could hear. Despite the darkness of the piece it didn’t make you feel sad, it made you feel powerful, and that was just with your eyes closed. 

Otabek watched Yuri as he always did when he would do the final run of his free skate. Yuri was especially amazing today. It was like sitting on a hill in the summer and watching a thunderstorm come near you. It was beautiful and dangerous and the awe-inspiring power of it all made you shake as it encompassed every part of you. Otabek was lost in Yuri’s skating. Something was different today, he was the powerful storm, unstoppable and inevitable and he was ensnaring Otabek’s very soul. Otabek had never been as in love with Yuri as he was in that moment. This piece was entirely him and it overwhelmed Otabek because it felt like while he was skating the entire universe was only Yura. All though not as deeply connected, everyone else in the rink had felt the energy that was flowing out of Yuri in intimidating waves. Yuri had captured everyone’s attention and was now performing for all the skaters who trained with Yakov. 

As Yuri came gracefully out of a quad flip and began a step sequence he caught Beka’s eyes. Otabek was sure that Yuri was able to read him like a book and he swore he could see the blond’s breath catch in his throat, mimicking Otabek’s own awestruck expression. Yuri’s eye’s lit up and it was like his existence was glowing from the inside out. Otabek stared at the Russian Skater, unable to take his eyes of him as he went into a flying sit spin, a move that Yuri could outshine just about anyone in. Coming out of the move though, Yuri wobbled and had a slight misstep, barely even noticeable. With the immaculate beauty that was the rest of the program Yakov wasn’t likely to say anything.

Yuri performed the rest of his free skate just as flawlessly as the first segment. It was amazing the focus and determination that one person could exude but still make everyone feel connected to the emotions of the performance. Otabek had never seen Yuri more beautiful, his own breath shallow despite standing still. Yuri was holding Beka’s vitals in his hand and with the slightest squeeze he could have stopped Otabek from breathing. That’s what this performance did. It was beautiful and terrifying, but careful and caring. Loving, but powerful. Masculine and Feminine. It was everything that was worth fiercely protecting. It was a performance of opposites and that’s why it fit Yuri so well. He was everything all at once. He was Otabek’s everything.

Showing that much of yourself to the world came with risks. When you put yourself out there like that, every criticism is like a personal affront. Yuri wasn’t one to put himself out there easily so every criticism stung worse than any slap to the face ever would. Usually he would have a comeback for any criticisms Yakov had but he would fix the issue on his own later. Today when Yuri stepped off the ice he was greeted by his fellow skaters who had watched the enticing performance. He gratefully accepted the kindness and was Otabek watched as Yuri made his way towards the Kazakh with a beautiful grin on his face. Yuri was stopped about 4 feet from Otabek by Viktor who clasped his arms around the blond’s shoulders and Otabek watched with a sense of horror as Viktor proclaimed, “That was amazing Yuri, it’s a shame about the flying sit spin though. I think you could explore the lightness of the piece some more though. I think your emotions are too heavy. Try to think a little more agape”. 

Yuri’s face dropped and so did Otabek’s heart. He knew Viktor didn’t mean much by the comment but Yuri knew his spin wasn’t as clean as it normally was. Otabek couldn’t help but feel partially to blame for that because he had distracted the skater during a crucial moment in preparation. Yuri hardly needed to be told that he has messed that up. But to criticize the emotions that Yuri had so carefully cultivated… that was unforgivable to the younger skater. Yuri had put everything on the line and poured out his soul to an open room, only for Viktor to try to cram him back into a tiny agape box. A box that no longer fit him. 

Yuri stalked off to the locker room and Otabek followed behind. The two changed into clean clothes and street shoes quickly and quietly. Yuri practically ran from the rink with Otabek following silently. When they got back to their apartment Yuri blew up. 

“Who does that has-been think he is anyway?! That performance was better than anything he could dream up!”, he asked Otabek- not really expecting an answer. Otabek watched as Yuri paced around their small living room. It was like watching a tiger pace in a cage that was much too small for it to properly stretch it’s legs. Otabek chose his words carefully trying not to upset Yuri further, “I don’t think he meant anything by it Yuri, I think he just knows that you connected with that feeling during your senior debut and was trying to help you put words to the feelings”, he explained delicately. 

“I’m not Agape anymore”, the blond sneered. 

“I know you’re not, it’s just a word”, Otabek responded. 

“It’s not just a word to me. It was a role that was forced onto me and while it suited it’s purpose I want to be more than that”

“You are so much more than than that Yura-”

“Sure, that’s why the old man used the same word that was used to describe me in my senior debut, because i’ve outgrown that role… yeah right”.

“You know that you’re more than that, even if Viktor Nikiforov doesn’t see that. He’s not the end all, be all in skating”.  
“He might as well be!”, he shot back, his voice growing harsher

“He’s not and you know it”, Otabek replied, clearly growing irritated. 

“No I don’t Beka”, he spat the Kazakh’s name like a curse. 

“Then tell me Yura, what do you know?”, he shot back the usually affectionate name as vehemently as possible. 

“I know that you are just trying to make me feel better, but it’s all a ruse”. 

“Why can’t you just believe that I care about you and I believe in you? Why is that so hard to believe?! I MOVED TO RUSSIA TO LIVE WITH YOU. I LEFT EVERYTHING, I LEFT MY FAMILY BEHIND, TO BE WITH YOU YURI. WHY DO YOU DOUBT MY INTENTIONS LIKE I’M JUST SOME FLING?!”, Otabek was openly yelling now

“I don’t know Otabek, but maybe you shouldn’t have”, the quiet and even tone that Yuri spoke with was chilling and terrifying in the worst way to the Kazakh. It brought him back to his senses. Otabek’s own temper could flare just as quickly as Yuri’s and with Yuri being angry it was stupid of Otabek to let his get the best of him.

“Yuri-- I don’t want to fight with you”, Otabek sighed as he resigned. 

“You should probably just leave then”, Yuri replied curtly. 

“I’m not leaving you like this Yura”, he said calmly, taking a step towards Yuri. His hands subtly reaching towards his boyfriend.

“You know you can leave right? You’re not stuck here or anything”, the blond said with downcast eyes. Otabek knew he was referring to his careless comment about leaving his family behind. Otabek’s temper dissipated as quickly as it had appeared and now he just needed to make Yuri understand why he acted the way he did.

He walked up to Yuri and placed his hand softly against the Russian’s cheek, using his hand to urge Yuri’s face upwards to look at Otabek. He stared directly into Yuri’s eyes and apologized. “Yura-- I shouldn’t have said that, especially since I didn’t mean it. I would leave Almaty a thousand times over if it meant I could spend even a fraction of the rest of my life with you”. Yuri seemed unconvinced so he continued, 

“My temper is quick to rise with you Yuri, and for that I am so sorry. I didn’t mean that I gave up my life in Almaty for nothing… I gave it up for everything. It was hardly a sacrifice, if anything it was selfish”. He watched Yuri who seemed more confused than ever. “Leaving Almaty meant that I would get to spend the rest of my life-- or as long as you’ll have me-- with someone who makes me feel so strongly, so passionately about everything. Yura, you are my everything. You bring out so many emotions in me that I never even knew were there. I knew it from the moment I met you. Yura... Yura with the soldier’s eyes. I’m so quick to anger when you don’t see everything I see in you”, he paused allowing for Yuri to think about his words. 

Yuri, leveling out his own emotions goaded Otabek to continue, “Beka, What is it that you see in me?” 

“I see someone who grew up in a harsh and unloving environment but turned it into something beautiful. I see someone who is smart but humble, kind but sharp-tongued. I see someone who is shy and pushes people away, but also pulls them in closer and holds fast to those he cares about. You are full of opposites Yura and that is what I love about you. You are so many things, but you are none of them. You are simple and complex all at once. You confuse me and you terrify me with your beauty but it makes my life exciting and so worth it. When I say you are everything, when I say that you are my everything, I mean it”. 

Yuri looked down as he tried to hide his blushing cheeks. Otabek refused to let him hide this part of himself because Otabek loved all of Yuri equally. He brought his hand up to Yuri’s flushed skin and brushed back the hair that stuck to Yuri’s cheek. The motion was gentle but it was honest enough that Yuri understood that Otabek wanted his eyes on the older skater. 

Otabek stared silently into Yuri’s eyes before he finally continued, “Today when you were skating-- I’ve never been more in love with you Yura. That piece is you, so it’s understandable that the criticism resonates within you more than any remark ever has. That program is so you that it’s like your soul is bare and open for the world to see… but just know that while the world is watching to judge you I’m watching to fall more in love with you”.

He pulled the skater into his arms and embraced him tightly. Otabek brought his lips to Yuri’s neck, pressing purposeful kisses against Yuri’s pale skin. He held the blond tightly as he quietly proclaimed his love against his boyfriend’s neck. “Every time I watch you skate that program I fall deeper into the rabbit hole. I see more of your soul every day and I love every part of it. I love every part of you. When you hear criticisms, take the necessary points in stride and file them for practice, but let everything else wash over you”. 

Otabek brushed his fingers lightly along Yuri’s lips, causing a small shiver to escape the Russian. His lips warmed the trail left by his fingers as he gently pressed his lips to Yuri’s. With his lips only centimeters from Yuri’s, he finished his declaration so quietly it was barely even a whisper but Yuri caught every word. “When you feel like it’s too much, hear my voice reminding you of this… ‘You are everything all at once. I love you Yura, with everything I have... all at once’ ”. Yuri leaned in and pressed his lips to Otabek’s. The Kazakh closed his eyes and let himself just feel the Russian’s lips as they brushed against his own. When Yuri’s lips left his own, Otabek opened his eyes to see Yuri’s open wide and staring. They stared at each other for a few moments until Yuri leaned in once more and murmured, “Beka, you were made for me and i’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you like you have loved me tonight. I love you… Thank you”. 

In response, Yuri felt Otabek’s arms circle his waist. Yuri leaned in against Otabek’s chest, feeling safe in the Kazakh’s arms. The Russian felt utterly exhausted from all the emotions that had rattled him and as the energy released from his once-tense bones, he held fast onto the love of his life; certain that Beka would never let him fall from his arms no matter how heavy Yura’s heart was.


End file.
